Hey Simple && Sweeties,
Being dumped absolutely sucks. If you had a quality relationship, that person was your best friend.
When you’re in a relationship, anytime something (and I mean anything) happens during your day, you’ll have an internal monologue with that person. Look at that guy’s car, Chad would love that. This restaurant is delicious, I wonder if Chad likes Thai? Mehh, I don’t care; I’ll drag his butt here anyway. **I’ve never dated a Chad so that’s why I use this name.
So it really stings when you’ve broken up with Chad and a thought like that crosses your mind out of habit.
…THE LOOMING PRE-BREAK UP PHASE…
I’ve seen most of my breakups coming, and I’m sure the majority of ya’all did too. Your partner starts acting distant, their ex or some girl is liking all of their Facebook or Instagram pictures that you aren’t in, their general enthusiasm falls off a cliff. But, you ignore it with a multitude of concocted reasons because not having them in your life is a scary thought.
Sometimes overnight everything has changed even though nothing is different.
Everyone has a grieving process, but a lot of us go about it all wrong.
…THE BREAK UP…
A breakup doesn’t mean we are failures, but shaking that feeling is easier said than done.
I’ll walk you through how I’ve handled my grieving process, and why I’ve gone about it this way. Take it or leave it. There’s no right way to do it even though there are a million wrong ways. Not fair, I know, but that’s life, loves.
There’s a moment right before the break up where your stomach has a lead ball in it. Your first instinct is to fight it, counter their reasons why they want to be apart with logic. Sadly, people don’t go into relationships with their mind, so save your breath. Try to talk it out with them for a few minutes.
Once they get their point across that they don’t want a future with you, say ok and walk away. Don’t say anything more.
But Sarah, I love him! I want him to change his mind!
He won’t, and you don’t want him to if he was having doubts. Maybe down the road he’ll realize he made a mistake, but don’t count on it.
I’ve never heard of anyone, girl or guy say that they broke up with their partner over a whim. Chances are, he’s been thinking about doing this for some time. Sure it happens in rom-coms all the time where the girl breaks up with him and runs off to travel the world and explore her inner beauty and find herself yack yack yack yack yack.
This happens in maybe .01% of the world’s breakups. He’s not moving to India. He’ll probably travel as far as the gym after he’s done tearing your heart to shreds.
The reason I say you shouldn’t say more than ok is because if you continue to throw logic his direction, he’ll continue to repeat those gut wrenching words in a different order. The message will stay the same and you”ll just be prolonging the pain.
If you walk away. He’ll claim that you “deserve an explanation” and no you do not.
Save your paragraph long texts and don’t call. If you must, type up a long draft and say everything you need to, but tell yourself you’ll hit send in 3 days. If you’re still as distraught, you can send it, but trust me, you won’t be.
You do not need to hear what he did wrong, what you did wrong, etc. Don’t let him spoil the memories any more than the break up already will.
As cliché as it sounds, let them go and if you two really were as strong as you thought then they’ll come back to you. One guy I was with ended what we had to pursue someone I knew was completely wrong for him. I talked it out and once he said he was choosing her, I cut him off. He wasn’t going to change his mind. And now two years later, he became one of my best guy friends because I was strong enough to let him back into my life. There is another one who put my feelings through the ringer and to this day has not apologized. Granted, I don’t want anything to do with him, but I’m over it. These things I’m telling you, I’ve seen happen so if you’re still with me, I’ll walk you through this.
Once the breakup is over, cut him out everywhere. Get rid of his stuff, delete him on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, the whole nine yards. On his end, yes, this will seem immature, but honestly at this point who the hell cares what he thinks anymore. This is a protection mechanism. Don’t let yourself stalk him. It is not good for your mental sanity.
He was your drug, so now cut him out cold turkey. I use this analogy because the time after is definitely a withdrawal period. You’ll want to thrash around like a crazy person and break things…but you won’t. You’ll just want to curl up in bed or force yourself to be out in public to hold your sanity together.
My advice. Stay home for a day or two. Don’t leave, call in sick.
Let yourself feel everything. Think about it all. Pick it apart in your mind. Over-analyze it. And repeat this over and over and over until you mentally and emotionally exhaust yourself. Cry. Don’t be strong. Just feel it all.
You’ll eventually reach a point where you’ll not want to think about it anymore. You’ll be fed up with feeling sad. The initial sting from that knife in your heart will become more like an ache.
But Sarah, I don’t want to feel it. I just want to pretend it never happened, blur out that year of my life.
While that looks good on paper, trust me you’ll feel it. You’ll be afraid of the radio, old restaurants, movies on tv, because the pain will sneak up on you when you remember. You’re just expediting the process if you take a day or two to feel it all.
Next, do something for your physical self. Take a hot shower and schedule a hot yoga sesh, massage, or just go for a walk down the street.
Don’t eat a cheat meal. That’s what those two days of weakness are for. Get a salad, or if you’re not into rabbit food, eat a multigrain sandwich with veggies and healthy junk.
Do something different. Change your hair style, the way you dress, try a new restaurant. Change your routine because that old routine was one that had him/her as your focal point.
Here’s the really hard one.
Go out on a date. Have a meal with someone. You don’t have to jump back into a relationship, but validate yourself. You are attractive. You can move on. No sex, unless you are convinced it will help your hormone levels. Know what you want and what you need, but don’t rebound. That’s additional drama you don’t need.
You’ve gone to war and come back wounded, sure, but scar tissue is stronger. You aren’t the same you’re better. That person doesn’t define you. Don’t put up walls. Always be kinder than you feel. Stay sensitive. The world is kinder to a flower than it is to grass.
You’re better off this way. Who knows, a year from now, maybe you’ll hear an apology. Crazier things have happened.
I know this was far from Simple && Sweet, but if I’ve helped one person then this post has done its job. Don’t be afraid to comment or email me your feedback.
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