Hey Simple && Sweeties,

I am 20 years old; this should be my prime. I’m in my third year of university and I’ve had roommates since I moved up here (down here for some of my readers).

Roommates are all different and have their goods and bads like anything, but one thing that is consistent is that they keep you somewhat normal. 

Something funny happens when you live alone. It’s like you become 40 years older and younger at the same time.

Once the dust settles and you’ve gotten the walking around naked for a week thing out of your system you start to realize just how much living alone brings out your inner 80year old.

But warning: It is not for everyone.

1. You get excited over appliances.

I’ve always been afraid about buying nicer coffee makers and smoothie machines when I know there’s a chance that a drunk friend of a friend could drop it. Now that I live alone…I’m having a romance with my keurig (more coffee recipes to come 😉

2. You love the fact that there are no sides.

Couch, fridge, bed. It’s all yours. There’s no resigning to the slightly off center couch because someone is occupying the one with the best view of the television.


3. You never throw parties

Because of one word…aftermath. When you live alone, the only person you can rely on helping you clean the next morning is yourself

4. You make friends with the UPS man and delivery guys

You never know when you’ll get more human interaction. I know the shifts of the delivery drivers from my favorite places and even have favorite delivery drivers.

“Should I order Domino’s? Oh, Max is off tonight…guess I’ll just cook at home.” Shout out to Jeff and his dog Rufus!


5. Cleaning becomes therapy

When someone manages to get under my skin, Lysol does the trick. And now, I find that walking through the detergent and cleaner section of the grocery makes me guiltily too happy to admit.

When I meet a guy that makes me feel as good as Lysol smells, then I’ve found the one.


6. You don’t give a damn

This is the walk around naked category. Everyone has done it, no need to elaborate.

I’ll pick up crud with my toes even though it freaks other people out. I’ll eat ice cream straight out of the gallon. I’ll double dip in the salsa. I’ll leave the bathroom door open so I can hear the tv. 

7. Technology advances bother the heck out of you

I still own a dinosaur iTouch. It has an iPhone 4 connection, so anytime I want to share a song with my friends in their car, I can’t connect, but my whole apartment is built around this connection port. Technology needs to slow down…

8. Pop culture jokes become gibberish

I honestly have no idea what half the slang my generation uses means.

One day everyone is speaking English, the next they redefine the whole dictionary “because Kanye”. I’m sorry but the word because followed by a noun is not an argument.

Not a few months ago, some girl said “I just can’t even.” And then I asked “Couldn’t what?” I didn’t realize that she was finished. Whatever had exasperated her also broke her ability to complete a thought.


9. Your dating life withers away

I realized this morning actually talking to the guy I have the biggest crush on that I forgot how to flirt.

I used to talk to crushes with minimal problems, but now I am resigned to the fact that it’s going to be my cat and me forever. Oddly, I’m okay with that.

I’d rather stay in my bath tub with wine and netflix rather than make myself nauseated over a mediocre date. Granted there are a couple boys I’d gladly go through the effort for, but when deciding between a guaranteed good night and a potential disaster, I’ll go with the bath.

10 You talk to inanimate objects.

I stubbed my toe on the table this morning and caught myself yelling “Seriously?!” almost like I was expecting a reply.

And here’s the worst one, I talk to my tv.


I make sure that House Hunters knows which house I am rooting for. I’ll give my input for Family Feud even if they can’t hear me.

Oh yeah, and I watch HGTV and GSN which is old lady enough in itself.

11. You don’t know what shows are cool anymore, but you know what you like.

I have a personal vendetta against basic television(with the exception of Grey’s Anatomy). I love shows like Bones, Vikings, Scandal, shows that keep you cerebrally on your toes.

And Halmark channel. There’s nothing like a good halmark movie around the holidays or Golden Girls and Little House on the Prairie to warm your heart.

12. You get crabby easily

If I invite you into my home and you move something, ughhhh. Put the toilet seat down, don’t muss my throw pillows, throw your wrappers away….Oh God, I sound like my mother. But really,respect the peace that I’ve created in my home. Leave your shoes, dirt, and selfish ultimatums and expectations at the door.

My case in point^

It’s just not worth the turmoil…buhbye

13. You have organized piles

Sometimes you don’t feel like putting everything away, so you clean by meticulously arranging the mess into piles to be processed later when you aren’t feeling like an 80 year old. It’s just you living here after all.

14. Coffee and tea are ritualistic

You’d be surprised how well quiet and coffee go together. Previously with roommates, I was always around people and doing things. Now, my apartment has a tendency of getting really tranquil. You start wondering what to do with yourself…coffee sounds good! Then you do it again the next day, and the next, and voila a ritual is born. And honestly, how much sugar you put in your coffee reflects the kind of day you’ve had.

15. You relate to the crabby antisocial sarcastic characters in your show…


16. Everyone bothers you.

Traffic, babies, the guy breathing loudly on the bus, everyone makes you retreat to your happy empty apartment. Coming home is the highlight of your day.


17. Coupons! I love Coupons!

Pizza Hut, McDonalds, everybody gets those fast food coupons and sadly, when you live with roommates you give up on hoping you’ll get the good ones becase they slowly dissapear before you use them, so coupons aren’t a big deal. But now, they are ALL MINE MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Pathetic I know, but you try to make 3 meals out of $5 without a coupon. They are magic.

18. Crying one moment then being perfectly fine the next.

My grandma was the master at this. You’d think of something sweet then sad. Next thing you know, you’re crying and then the microwave dings and you’re fine. Since there is nobody around, you do it.

No shame.

19. And best of all. You do what you want.



Let the farts ring! I don’t do it because I’m a girl and the very fabric of my being is made up of uncomfortable shoes, lady-ness, and rainbows, but for you gross humans out there, you can just let it happen.

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An 80-year old pin

10 thoughts on “How Living Alone Turns You Into an 80-Year Old

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