Hey Simple && Sweeties,
So, I was watching Kitty Flanagan’s comedy show on Netflix when she inspired my revelation. She helped me understand why I detest grocery shopping at 6pm (which is the most crowded time fyi), choose the booth with no people in the booths next to it, and want to whack every other person in the world with an exhaust pipe.
I chalked it up to meaning that I just hate people. Turns out, I was completely wrong!!
I don’t hate people for existing, I just don’t appreciate it when they break my rules.
Let me explain what I mean by rules, then we can get onto what those rules are.
Better yet, here’s the clip from Kitty herself.
Please note, it is a bit on the raunchy side and may be a bit awkward to listen to in a public place (you’re welcome for the heads up), so if you are easily offended by mild sexual references then just skip the video. You’ll catch on to what I mean as we get into my unspoken rules from someone who thought she hates people.
Ok, so you see now why I’m single at 20, live alone (and love it I might add) with a cat? It’s because the world is full of loud obnoxious people who don’t understand the rules of civilized behavior I’m assuming are common sense!
Rule #1 Assume everyone is having a crummy day.
There’s no bigger buzz-kill than when you’re having a good day and some jerk, who isn’t so lucky, thinks he’s crummy day gives him a free pass to go full jerk.
Now two people are having a bad day.
If you’re having a crummy day and you manage to shake it off, give someone a smile, let them cut in-front of you in line, say something nice. It has the potential to make two crummy days an ounce better.
Rule #2 Don’t tell people they’ll change their mind.
You’re not up in there. You don’t wake up to that brilliance every morning, so cut that out.
This applies to big decisions like career choices, college majors, getting a pet, as well as little ones like pre-planning for dinner tomorrow and such.
My biggest pet-peeve is when the subject of tiny humans comes up. Yes, babies are cute. Yes, your babies are the cutest ever. Yes, I think you should you have cute babies (mainly because you are reading this post and educating yourself on the ways of the world, pass this information onto future generations…please!).
No, I don’t want them.
I’m not an evil baby-hater, but some people just don’t have maternal urges.
Exhibit A up here ^ gives me stomach pains.
Oh, Sarah, Sweet and Simple Sarah, you’re young; you’ll change your mind.
This is rude people.
Reverse this using the same holier-than-though condescending tone. Imagine telling a pregnant woman that wanted a baby she’d change her mind?
That would be rude.
My point, let people make their own decisions. If you thought that way once and changed your mind, tell me that version of the story instead. The only ones that know my mind are God and myself. And even then, I’m sure I’ve made the Big Man gasp a couple times with the nonsense that rolls across my mental tickertape.
Rule #3 Headphones are an universal “Do Not Disturb” sign
When people are ready to re-enter the world of the drab, they’ll remove the headphones.
Now, emergencies do occur right before the beat drops. Breathe, it happens. Questions form in other people’s minds that only your brilliance knows the answer to. Pertaining to aforementioned instances, the protocol is as follows should you need to get someone’s attention.
a. Question whether or not the situation can wait.
b. Try establishing eye contact.
c. Should that fail, raise your hand by your face and give a gentle shake of the wrist.
d. If you are still being ignored, reevaluate. Could the situation be handled without this person?
e. No? Ok, give a light and gentle pressing of the tips of the fingers on the arm or back region.
The person who cuts into the chorus to ask a question like, “What time is lunch Wednesday?” at 4pm on a Saturday during a long car-ride together not because they need to tell someone, but just out of curiosity sake is no longer on the list of people I approve of.
Rule #4 When standing in line, mentally prepare yourself for your time at the register.
I wish there was a bouncer inside to send these people away. It would keep us all on our toes and increase the business’s productivity.
If there was no line, sure, take your time looking at the menu.
The courtesy ends when you and I were 7th and 8th in line at McDonalds, we get to the front and you get off your phone and act like the menu magically appeared.
Look at the menu, decide, have your wallet at the ready, then play on your phone.
Rule #5 Do not sneeze in elevators, buses, or other confined spaces.
This drives me crazy. Try to hold it in! Say “banana”, try the cartoon finger under the nose thing.
I know holding a sneeze is dangerous. If you must, you must. But, if you must, please cover your mouth or aim for the crook of your elbow like you’re supposed to.
Don’t just mentally say screw it and spray. It makes everyone so uncomfortable.
Rule #6 Don’t go from 0-100 on a date/ first meeting
You girls out there know where I’m coming from.
On your first date, he goes through the general small talk questions, then he asks what your bedroom nasties are. Yeah, *insert spit-take here*
Oh wait, I can insert one! Here…
Maybe it’s not that. Maybe you gave your number to guy from Tinder or Match.com and get a pasta portrait (yes, this is a euphemism, I’m a lady) as your first unique photo representation of his character.
Why?! In what universe, in what hypothetical situation, in what fairy tale, does this get you the girl, guys? Snow White would have pretended to be asleep with that kind of prince charming after her!
And I’m sorry genuine gentlemen, I’m sure this happens to an extent to you guys too.
Rule #7 Don’t ask for my food and only take the allotted amount.
Keep in mind, if I offer a fry or chip, it’s only because Momma raised me right. Stand down. I’m a red-blooded American female. I am capable and will devour this meal.
If you are really hungry, ok. Take a chip. If I say, have some, I won’t finish it. Have a few chips. But, if you asked for a chip (strike one), then take a single chip of medium size (strike two if you take the biggest one). This did not give you permission to consume a third of my meal (strike three).
The person who paid for the meal should decide who consumes it.
Yes ladies, if he bought your food and wants to try something interesting you ordered, don’t put up a fight. Be sweet about it. He really shouldn’t do it,but in Sarah World, he has that right. Buy your own if it bothers you, or don’t go on another date.
Men, resist the urge to exercise ^ right.
Rule #8 Don’t trick me into watching a sad video.
I’m allergic to feelings. My eyes swell and get watery, I can’t breathe, my body shuts down and my only cure becomes icecream…I’m allergic.
Rule #9 Close your mouth.
It’s been proven that your percieved intelligence gets raised 20 IQ points of you close your mouth. This encompasses poorly thought out remarks and mouth breathing.
Don’t let stupid come out of your mouth. A thought cannot be judged, but a shared rubbish opinion can.
Rule# 10 Master the art of whispering.
If I can hear you telling someone that my yoga pants aren’t real pants, your whispering isn’t real whispering. Everyone is entitled to their opinions.
And added sidenote, I love my yoga pants. Just keep in mind that should I decide to roundhouse kick you in your rude head, I could. I have full range of motion!
Rule# 11 Don’t stop out of the blue.
If you stop abruptly in the middle of a busy sidewalk, hallway, walkway, whatever, I am not responsible for your injurys.
I walk with purpose…whoops?
If you realize that you aren’t as apt at texting and walking, or something catches your attention, veer! Move to the slower traffic area or get out of the way.
Rule #12 Let the people leaving the elevator get out first.
Wait, the elevator is programmed not to leave without allowing time for both parties to exit and enter. They don’t want to stay on there any longer than necessary anyway.
Rule #13 Don’t text and drive
Like…ever. You may check your phone at a red light if and only if you are not the first one in line.
If you are distracted 5 seconds into the fresh green light and I’m the car that gets cut off by the next red, I will never be your friend.
Ok, I think I’ve given you enough to relate to. I can’t be the only one that has unspoken rules. What are yours? If you liked this post, share here or comment below that!
I hope your day is Simple && Sweet!
For more, follow me on social media. I’m everywhere. If you want to follow my life in mini photo blog form, add me on snapchat where I post meals, workouts, and random pretty things I come across 🙂 Username: sarah.berlanga1
Check Out The S&&S Co. Pinterest Page
&& Don’t Forget to Follow the Life && Love Board